MADONNA

 

001 

Mina, Francine, 

all of my small sad women who came before me 

locked in a glass box

I 

my hands have never gotten dirty

I am a nun of my own making, 

I am no body and no flesh

I have no mouth to be fucked

I have no cunt to be abused

I have no breasts to be cupped

I'm not old, but I'm tired

a thirty-something woman whose hair was never grabbed

I can love and I can nurture and I can forgive

but I cannot want and I cannot desire

I can only want

in that way a 12 year old called ugly can

desperate and sad and docile

i am no goddess, I'm a mouse

I am small and pathetic and pure

so, so pure

waiting in an abandoned house

I am the Madonna of an empty church

I am the virgin of the locked bedroom

I am the patron saint of every discarded woman

no man put me on a pedestal, I climbed it myself

look at my eyes, my teeth, my hair, the tips of my feet

this is no woman, no real human female, but a

symbol, an archetype, a subhuman 

not even the lowest of the low of men

can dare to look at me

do I cause fear? do I represent disgust?

this must be my karma, my

saturnian punishment 

I've given up on vanity and superbia

I've given up on eating and gula

I've given up on touch and luxuria

I'm an angel in a snow globe

Rhea, Mary, Anima, Sophia, Hera

teach me love 

take me out of all complexities

teach me simplicity again

be my Pieta

mother, let me back into your womb

let me drown in your cervix mouth

eat me and give birth to me again

and this time I'll do it right

💙

002 / mal'akim / 天使 天の使い

BE NOT AFRAID.... 

the angels are not in heaven anymore

they're in my old toys

dressed in plastic and yarn,

they wore bruises on their wrists and knees

they're in my computer,

hiding in forums and chatrooms

dedicated to blood and guts and carnage

and they taught me 

how to kill

an angel.

WHERE DID YOU HEAR THE NAME YAHWEH??

there's an angel in my router

in my phone, in my television, in my circuitry

it is made of light and noise and prayer

it does not answer when I beg

it only displays and comes to me when I cry

I am LAIN and I am BEN and I am LYDIA

this is my body, uploaded for you

this is my blood, buffering 

they have no bodies, so they cannot reject mine

they have no eyes, so they cannot see my repulsiveness

they have no hands, so they cannot fail to touch me

please reset

let me begin again.

not as the ugly girl

the medicated girl

the smelly weird girl

let me begin as pure signal

let me become pure protocol, binary code,

zeros and ones

let me be downloaded in a body that fits

let me be the LAIN-LYDIA who is loved

because she is everywhere

and she is nowhere 

and you cannot escape the engine

no one is listening

please don't close the window

💙 

003 

I have not changed at all

I have changed in every conceivable way 

I am that I am 

as I no longer am what I was

and that which I am is nothing

💙