shravana nakshatra ♄

Saturn takes twenty-nine years to return.

Have you ever waited twenty-nine years?? 

I have.

I have been waiting my entire life,

I have spent it in denial and hunger and cold

I am waiting for the waiting to end

he let me believe I was free when in fact

he was waiting to collect 

his debt.

he tells me, 

"you must break the pattern today

or the loop will repeat tomorrow"

he is the ouroboros 

of self mutilation, of punishment, of

death in the mask of discipline

and me, the youngest daughter, 

fucked up teeth and dark hair

i am comfortable in my mountain hermit cave,

watching everyone below me,

warm in their valleys,

stupid in their softness,

and I am better.

I am colder

I am better

I am more

More

more

morealone

more frozen

more dead.

He rules the bones.

Calcium. Structure. The thing that lasts. The meat rots and the skin decays and organs fail and  maggots feast on meat

but the bones remain. 

I have been keeping my own bones

I am the one who will remember

when everyone else has forgotten.

Because Saturn remembers

and I keep the ledger

and I do not forget.

I am the cold and the bone and the structure beneath the screaming meat I am the thing that holds the thing that lasts

I am the thing that will be here 

when the warmth is gone.